by Terri A. Wilson, USA Today Bestselling Author

Coming up with names, as an author, is surprisingly difficult, which seems odd. There are only a bazillion names, so choosing one should be very easy. For me, my characters need the right name. It’s the reader’s first opportunity to meet that character. I have spent a lot of time trying to come up with the best name to make the best first impression.

Why do I do this? Names are important.

Five years ago, my oldest came out as bisexual. I always considered myself an ally and someone with an open mind. However, that was for everyone else. I never thought I’d need to be an ally for my own family. We wanted to be supportive of our child, but we struggled to believe that they had a real concept of self at such a young age. So, we suggested they were bicurious and encouraged them to continue their soul-searching. My child went away and agreed to continue thinking about it and remain open. I felt like I was the parent of the year because I remained nonjudgemental.

I was so wrong.

By asking my child to continue thinking about it, I held out hope that they would change their mind and see their world the way I saw it. I mean, I’m the parent, and I should know what’s best for my kid, right? And then COVID hit, and the world went all kinds of cattywampus.

Instead of spending nights talking to my kids about fun stuff, we started talking about death and sadness. I wanted to hide them from the horrible images coming out of Italy and eventually out of our hometown, but I couldn’t. They watched me plan my trips to the grocery store the way I imagined a squire watched their knight plan for battle. It was crazy.

And through all of this, my oldest held onto the belief that they saw the world through a different pair of glasses. Looking back now, I’m glad we encouraged them to continue thinking about their sexuality, not because they eventually aligned themselves to my plan for their life, but because they realized they are not a bisexual but rather a non-binary lesbian.  They also wanted to change their name and start using different pronouns.

We picked names for my girls that had non-binary nicknames. My oldest chose that nickname, but my youngest has gone through at least ten different names. I would love to say that I never minded their choices, but there was a small part of me that grieved their chosen names. I loved the names I gave them. The former English teacher still struggles with using they/them. But it’s not about me. It’s about both my kids becoming the people they were meant to be and who they want to be. It’s about them controlling their destiny.

I’m grateful for the lessons my kids have taught me. They are loving and supportive of all their friends. They are sensitive to other people’s needs and aware of the world and their part in it. Our house has become a safe place where we use people’s preferred pronouns and names. I don’t always get it right, but I work hard and make corrections when I get it wrong. Why?

Because names are important. Let me say it again for the people in the back. NAMES ARE IMPORTANT. It’s how we cultivate identity.

If someone asks you to use a name that is different from their birth name or a pronoun that doesn’t fit their gender from birth, respect them enough to honor their request. Every time they hear their preferred name and/or pronoun, you are proving to them that they matter. And that’s what all of us want.

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